Vatican announces release of iPope 1.0

Here is an Actual News Item:

SYDNEY (Reuters) – Pope Benedict will text message thousands of young Catholics on their mobile phones during World Youth Day in Sydney in July, hoping going digital will help him connect better with a younger audience.

Even though I’m not Catholic, I think it’s great that the Pontiff is adapting to 21st century technology. Since Joseph Ratzinger became Benedict XVI, many spiritually progressive types have been hoping that he would embrace a historic opportunity for the church to finally get with the times, modernize, shake off the dust, roll some bones, and pry open some of those old dungeon doors. Well according to the Reuters article, that seems to be exactly what’s happening, and I can only guess that an IM from His Holiness might look something like this:

OMG HEY PPL, IZ ME DA BIG GUY. SRY CANT C/U FTF, BUT GR8 2T2Y ANYHOO. U KNO MY A/S/L ATM? IM PRKED RITE OUTSIDE YR HOUSE IN THE POPE M/B!!!!! HAHA J/K, BUT I GOT A MSG 4U FR JESUS – DONT BE A H8R, LOL! B SURE 2 GIVE LOTS OF H&K TO YR GF/BF, BUT ALWAYS DTRT, THAT MEANS NO 420, PRON, OR SEX 4SURE!! HTG!! NOT JUS CUZ YPAW, BUT GIW TOO! SO IF YR NIFOC RITE NOW, PYPO & QUIT IT, DUDE!! ROFLMAO!! OK, I G2G, BUT THATS MY .02 AND UR AIMP. CIAO & TTYL, RATZ

Note: Translation Of Papal Message For Anyone Over The Age Of 16:

“Good Heavens! Hello brothers and sisters, it is I, His Holiness Pope Benedict XVI. I’m so sorry I cannot meet with you face-to-face, but it is certainly great to talk to you nevertheless. Are you aware of my age, sex, and current location at this very moment? I am parked right in front of your house in my Papal Vehicle! Oh my, that is so funny, but I’m only kidding you, I have a message from Your Savior Jesus Christ the Son of God: Don’t be a person who hates others. I’m chuckling to myself now. You should always bless your girlfriend or boyfriend with many hugs and kisses … but be sure to do the right thing! What do I mean by this? I mean don’t smoke any marijuana, or watch pornography, and most importantly, always remain celibate. Honest to God, I mean it, and not only because your parents are watching you, but remember God is watching you too. So if you are sitting in front of your computer without any clothing on, put your pants back on and stop that sinful activity right now, young man! Oh my, that is so funny! Seriously, I must leave you now but I hope you will heed my helpful advice. Remember that you will always be in my prayers. Farewell, and I hope to send you another message at some point in the future.”

If Pope Benedict is able to get some props from teens as a result of this approach, I hope he will use his newfound street cred to go after Christian Rock, which is an oxymoron if ever there was one. (When Jesus returns, I personally think He might be a big fan of Pearl Jam.) And if this unorthodox method of reaching out to young people on World Youth Day succeeds, I can only assume that His Holiness would then take the next logical step: (Click on image for more detail.)


Oh yeah, I am definitely going to Hell for this.

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